Dear HiKoi and Friends,
First of all, if you don't understand the title of this blog post, I'm referring to this. You now have an excuse to watch Les Mis.
I have to confess something that's embarrassing for me to share, but I feel is important for y'alls to know. I've never been diagnosed, but I fairly confident that I have OCD. I know that might be hard to believe since I'm very messy and disorganized, but OCD can come in different forms. Essentially OCD is having obsessions and compulsive habits that hinder a person's quality of life. Perhaps this is all in my head, but I've made a great deal of mistakes in the past mostly due to my several identity crisis's. So, in an effort to UNVEIL a part of me I rarely talk about, #ShamelessHiKoiThemePlug, here are some embarrassing issues you should know about me.
1)Compare Yourself to the Next Guy
I think the first time I started noticing my obsessive compulsive behavior was in middle school. Huntington Middle School had a "Teen Center" which was essentially an after school program with a snack shop, Nintendo 64, and a fooseball table with one missing defender because I broke it. It was there I was introduced to fooseball with my friend Mark on the first week of 6th grade. At the time there were two 8th graders who bragged to have never been beaten in a game of fooseball for a whole year. They were called “Fooseball Kings”. Mark and I got smashed for the first hour we played against them. They ended up leaving, but me and Mark kept practicing everyday for the next week till the teen center closed. A week later we played a total of ten games against the kings. Mark and I won nine. The kings left after their first win and we never saw them again.
2)Practice til its Perfect
In 8th grade, my dad bought me an acoustic guitar for my birthday. My brother Aaron had already begun leading in youth worship, and I really wanted to be like him growing up, so somehow I thought playing guitar would make me more like him. That night my dad taught me three chords, but no matter how hard I pushed down on the strings I couldn't get the chords to ring true. Even though my fingertips were bruised and shaking, using a starbucks gift card as a "pick", I played trash chords well after my dad went to sleep. My brother ended up storming into my room at 2AM to stop me. I didn't sleep very well that night though. I couldn't play the guitar like my brother.
3)Don't Let Anything Go
#CueFrozenMontage. Ever since middle school I loved the game of volleyball because the concept of the game fascinated me: don't let the ball hit the floor. For me the game is exciting because of how difficult a task is. And so I practiced a lot, and had no shame doing everything I could to keep the ball in the air. Often, I was the last kid working on passing in the gym. As a result, I suffered a few injuries including a sprained ankle, sprained thumb, and I once cut open my chin diving for a ball.
4)Study Things Even if They're Meaningless
In college, I didn't have a very fast computer, so I couldn't play games like LoL and Starcraft II. Instead I played a lot of Tetris Battle, and got scary good. The secret is that you don't want to leave one square column open. That relies on the long tetrimino to clear lines, which might not come. Always leave a gap that is at least two squares wide, but it's best to leave three, because there are more variation patterns that can result in combos. You’re pro if you leave a gap four wide. Shame on you if you already knew this.
5)Never Limit Yourself
For a while I wanted to be a barista. Which makes no sense given I have a Bachelors Degree.. but I really like coffee. Specifically making coffee because you can really taste the differences between the expensive kinds if you make it right and drink it black. I look at coffee as an delicious experiment I have the opportunity to practice every morning. However, I'm rarely truly satisfied with the cup of coffee I make. Most of the time it's either too sour or too bitter, and so there are days if I don't stop myself, I'd make two cups and still want to make a third even if I can barely keep my hands still.
6)Lose the Forest in the Trees
In high school, though English was my worse subject I wanted to be a writer. I never could get my essays in on time, but it wasn't because I was lazy. It was because every sentence had to be perfect. I would write one sentence, then read the whole section again to get the context, and if I didn't feel like the sentence fit I'd write a different sentence and reread the whole section once more to see how it sounded. During my lunch hour, I'd go to my English class to work on my essays because I earnestly wanted to do well, but I never got A’s on my essays because I would get a whole grade deducted turning them in late. I had similar tendencies reading. This still continues. An example would be this late blog post.
7)Let Sin Define You
(If you haven't caught on, this is the serious one). I moved to Boston for four years because it was my best option for college, but if I were to be honest it was a scary time in my life. I was far from anyone I knew, and I was told at FCBC to turn to God if I ever was afraid. Somehow I thought that meant watching tons of Francis Chan sermons online. Instead of stepping out and trying new things, I spent my freshman year a hermit watching two or three Francis Chan sermons in a row everyday. Francis Chan has a particularly challenging style of preaching, but instead of going out and doing something for Christ I spent most of my days lamenting over how sinful I was. Specifically lamenting that I couldn't find it in myself to do the ten things Francis Chan was challenging me to do that day.
Ever since I was little, my dad always told me to just do my best in life because that's all you can do. But for several reasons, I thought that if what I was doing wasn’t perfect, then I must not be doing my best. Perfection was always the standard. I was always hopeless to attain it, and because of my high expectations I always felt a great deal of shame. I was always aware that I was sinful and imperfect, and I hated that about me. On the days I didn't struggle with depression, I was determined to be a different person, only to find that I wasn't. Even when I was excelling at the things I put my mind to, I could always pick out my flaws, and that justified my continual attention to things even if they had no lasting benefit. Trying to be Christian was no exception.
When speaking of people who try and fail to do moral things, Paul in Galatians puts it this way.
"For as many as are of the works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who does not abide by all things written in the book of the Law, to perform them.”(3:10)
In other words, those who try to follow God’s law, the ones who attempt to do what is right, the ones who try to be truly good people, but find they are unable, are under a curse.
I was struggling because God's Law has a certain expectation of us. Put simply, it is to do what is right. Whether it is to feed the poor, or to forgive someone, or to not covet, etc. Yet no matter how hard I tried I could never completely do what is right. I wasn't compassionate enough, loving enough, patient enough, or faithful enough to ever silence the idea that I was a hypocrite and not truly a Christian. And because of it I felt..cursed. I was cursed.
Boston was rough. However, I'm extremely grateful that God brought me to there. Sure, it was there I began struggling with depression, but it was also there I encountered Christ. I still remember the cold autumn day I first heard Shane and Shane’s rendition of Before the Throne. This verse in particular is my favorite:
When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because a sinless savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him, and pardon me.
To look on Him, and pardon me.
It took four years for me to come to an understanding of how amazing this truth is. Paul continues in Galatians to explain that Christ became our curse and died (3:13). Because Jesus died, our curse of being unacceptable before God died as well. Suddenly, I am free to do what is right without the curse that comes with falling short. Because He died, I am acceptable to Him, and still worthy to be called His son, even despite my hypocritical actions and failures to live up to that name. Understanding this truth frees me to be exactly that, a son of God. An heir to the Throne. A righteous man. Because of Christ, I can be compassionate. I can be loving. I can be patient. I can be faithful. I can be like Christ, and because of Christ, I will be like Him.
There are a thousand and one things I'll never be no matter how hard I try. I'll never be President of the United States. I'll never be in the NBA. I’ll never be the guy who invented flashmobs, and sadly I realize nearly all the identities I've already gained other than the one Christ has given me will eventually fad with time. Caleb Choi and Tesia Au have already dethroned me as Fooseball King, and it doesn't matter how good of a worship leader I am. There are better worship leaders at FCBC and there will be better I guarantee you. Sadly one day I'm going to need to retire from worship. Sucks.
But there are a few identities that I’ll always have forever. The most important one is of course son of God (because of Christ). I can rest in the fact that this identity, this work God began in me, will be completed one day soon. And that’s an identity worth working towards because in our attempts to become like Christ, God meets us with His guarantee that we’ll be like him if that is earnestly what our hearts desire.
He makes us new. He is making us new. Cue Beautiful Things by Gungor. #waaaAAAAooooooohhhh
7 Habits of a Highly In-Effective Person
By Ethan Fung
1)Compare Yourself to the Next Guy
I think the first time I started noticing my obsessive compulsive behavior was in middle school. Huntington Middle School had a "Teen Center" which was essentially an after school program with a snack shop, Nintendo 64, and a fooseball table with one missing defender because I broke it. It was there I was introduced to fooseball with my friend Mark on the first week of 6th grade. At the time there were two 8th graders who bragged to have never been beaten in a game of fooseball for a whole year. They were called “Fooseball Kings”. Mark and I got smashed for the first hour we played against them. They ended up leaving, but me and Mark kept practicing everyday for the next week till the teen center closed. A week later we played a total of ten games against the kings. Mark and I won nine. The kings left after their first win and we never saw them again.
In 8th grade, my dad bought me an acoustic guitar for my birthday. My brother Aaron had already begun leading in youth worship, and I really wanted to be like him growing up, so somehow I thought playing guitar would make me more like him. That night my dad taught me three chords, but no matter how hard I pushed down on the strings I couldn't get the chords to ring true. Even though my fingertips were bruised and shaking, using a starbucks gift card as a "pick", I played trash chords well after my dad went to sleep. My brother ended up storming into my room at 2AM to stop me. I didn't sleep very well that night though. I couldn't play the guitar like my brother.
#CueFrozenMontage. Ever since middle school I loved the game of volleyball because the concept of the game fascinated me: don't let the ball hit the floor. For me the game is exciting because of how difficult a task is. And so I practiced a lot, and had no shame doing everything I could to keep the ball in the air. Often, I was the last kid working on passing in the gym. As a result, I suffered a few injuries including a sprained ankle, sprained thumb, and I once cut open my chin diving for a ball.
In college, I didn't have a very fast computer, so I couldn't play games like LoL and Starcraft II. Instead I played a lot of Tetris Battle, and got scary good. The secret is that you don't want to leave one square column open. That relies on the long tetrimino to clear lines, which might not come. Always leave a gap that is at least two squares wide, but it's best to leave three, because there are more variation patterns that can result in combos. You’re pro if you leave a gap four wide. Shame on you if you already knew this.
For a while I wanted to be a barista. Which makes no sense given I have a Bachelors Degree.. but I really like coffee. Specifically making coffee because you can really taste the differences between the expensive kinds if you make it right and drink it black. I look at coffee as an delicious experiment I have the opportunity to practice every morning. However, I'm rarely truly satisfied with the cup of coffee I make. Most of the time it's either too sour or too bitter, and so there are days if I don't stop myself, I'd make two cups and still want to make a third even if I can barely keep my hands still.
In high school, though English was my worse subject I wanted to be a writer. I never could get my essays in on time, but it wasn't because I was lazy. It was because every sentence had to be perfect. I would write one sentence, then read the whole section again to get the context, and if I didn't feel like the sentence fit I'd write a different sentence and reread the whole section once more to see how it sounded. During my lunch hour, I'd go to my English class to work on my essays because I earnestly wanted to do well, but I never got A’s on my essays because I would get a whole grade deducted turning them in late. I had similar tendencies reading. This still continues. An example would be this late blog post.
(If you haven't caught on, this is the serious one). I moved to Boston for four years because it was my best option for college, but if I were to be honest it was a scary time in my life. I was far from anyone I knew, and I was told at FCBC to turn to God if I ever was afraid. Somehow I thought that meant watching tons of Francis Chan sermons online. Instead of stepping out and trying new things, I spent my freshman year a hermit watching two or three Francis Chan sermons in a row everyday. Francis Chan has a particularly challenging style of preaching, but instead of going out and doing something for Christ I spent most of my days lamenting over how sinful I was. Specifically lamenting that I couldn't find it in myself to do the ten things Francis Chan was challenging me to do that day.
"For as many as are of the works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who does not abide by all things written in the book of the Law, to perform them.”(3:10)
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because a sinless savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him, and pardon me.
To look on Him, and pardon me.
He makes us new. He is making us new. Cue Beautiful Things by Gungor. #waaaAAAAooooooohhhh
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